Welcome July!!!

Hello everybody!!! お久しぶりですね ^^ 

Oh my, it’s July already. Time is moving too fast isn’t it? 

You know, I have many things I want this month, and one of them is unbelievably expensive for my financial condition (come on! I’m still a student, it’s a holiday and to have part time job here is not easy)

First of all, 

the thing that I want most is the Gazette’s DIVISION Limited Edition! ¥6349 it is!!! *punch myself in the face for wanting this difficult to afford thing*

This will be my first DVD of them

The second thing that I want is shoes! 

Oh my God I really need them since my old shoes collections are tore apart and all I have is a sneaker, a flat, and a wedge. I prefer to buy two pair of flat now but I also want a spare sneaker (screw wedges and heels! I have to climb those stairs in campus)

 

I also want a bag, a big and cute one ^^ 

Okay it doesn’t have to be cute, but big is really important because I always need my Com*aq around (otaku, no? nerd? whatever)

Okay, I think those things that I WANT aren’t really important and I think I won’t need it for couples of week forward. But a thing that I really NEED is my glasses. I have one, but I think it’s worn out and my eyes seem get worst (or maybe better, I don’t know) so I better buy a new one (of course with mom’s permission)

Okay, that’s it. I don’t know what I should write so I’ll stop here ^^ Thank you for reading my non-sense post though!!!

Kuukyo no Heya by MUCC

In my dark room, I sing a lullaby - I'll say good night now
Gulping down some sleeping powder, I'm off to dreams

In the sweltering night, I look for the phone that never rings with my nails cut to the quick
And it collapses into a sensory illusion that's of no use to anyone

From the small window of this room,
All I ever do is gaze at saints marching
The sun of life never illuminates this room of mine

Losing the proof of my existence, I keep on falling
Swallowing back the paranoia that's accelerating
My marble eyeballs refract this world and reflect it distortedly
My heart raided by a sorrowful, pathological loneliness

A world with nothing, an empty world sinking into depression
Clinging to the pure white walls, shadows laughed

In the obscure loneliness
Someone, call my name
This existence of mine
This existence of mine

A world with nothing, an empty world sinking into depression
Clinging to the pitch black room, he screams

The proof of existence Someone, [call] my name
The proof of existence [Show me] the meaning of life

Courage is...

courage |kʌrɪdʒ|

noun

The ability to do something that frightens one; bravery

Strength in the face of pain or grief

Every day I try hard to discover 

what kind of person I am, 

what thing I best at, 

what thing I can’t do, 

but most of all 

what I want to do in the future 

Each day I ask myself, 

forcing my brain to find an answer, 

to seek a truth 

from myself, 

for myself

I always think 

each people must have different skill, 

passion, 

and power of will

Courage, 

the thing I most need now 

There are so many things I always want to do 

but I couldn’t; 

because I don’t have any courage 

I don’t have that much confidence to do anything, 

even things that I love to do 

I can’t take it to see people 

who are better than me, 

I discouraged

I have so many dreams to pursue 

yet my heart reject to do anything 

that could make me closer to my purpose 

I feel lost 

I feel miserable 

So I’m just regretting myself, 

how I wish to be a better me

Every time I pray to Allah, 

I always wish to make my parents happy 

But with my condition, 

will I ever surpassing this mountain of doubt?

Confession of a Doubtful Soul

I’m not a special girl

I’m not smart or kind 

For me there’s nothing I can be proud of 

NOTHING

There are so many things I want to do, 

many things I want to learn 

but the foolish me is unable to do anything;

 unwilling maybe is more appropriate

There are too many people 

I want to please

I know that’s not right 

but seeing how people are happy because of me,

 make me happy too

 I just want to give my best 

in something that I love to do 

But in the end, 

I’m just lying, 

being selfish 

and 

disappointing many people who expect more. 

 

Because I always do anything halfheartedly 

The fact is I’m too afraid of pain

 So I holding back to do something that might hurt myself

 So I keep being silent

 So I keep pretending to please everyone 

 

I never thinking that I will be someone power, 

someone precious person

 I probably let them hurt because of me; 

waiting for my acceptance 

while I’m busy to cover up myself 

under my own way of thinking 

I’m slowly hiding inside my pile-up lies that I make every single day 

I hate myself 

I hate myself for being this cruel; 

to people and even to myself

I hate myself that pretend to be a good person 

I hate myself for being this stupid, 

this unworthy

In the end, 

I just want myself to disappear from this world 

Even when I know there will be not much difference, 

even when I know my death will be in vain

P R A Y E R

Everything started from so much happiness last month...

I happily watched my favorite band’s concert,

I’ve got my merchandises,

dad bought me a new phone,

and my birthday...

I was too happy until I forgot to thank Allah for everything... 

I’m so ungrateful, 

 

so Allah gives me tests...

My dad is sick, 

my friend avoids me, 

my relationship with my ex-boyfriend gets worst, 

my assignment neglected...

I know 

I should be more grateful to what Allah given to me...

But please...

I just wish that my dad won’t leave me,

I just wish he could laugh with me like usual, 

I just wish he could stroke my hair again...

Ya Allah, 

please listen to my prayer...

Silent Whisper (2)

Here in the shadows
I am pursued
Until the ends of the earth
Embraced

- The Cape of Storm by HYDE-

=========

I’m lost...
My feet are shaking,
filled with
uncertainty before me...


Each step get heavier,
each breath get weaker...




Half lidded eyes
force me to stop; 

to die... 

Voice inside my head
wailing desperately,
whispering plea; 
humming the pain... 

Trembled hands 
stretched themselves
into the
darkness, 

grab nothing 
but
silent dream... 





My vision 
rambled into a blurry 
reflection of myself...

Tears spilled,
wash the wounded heart... 



But,
the trace will be
a memory

as I start to face the world
for the thousands times...

Flowers (花)

Do you know

that flowers get more beautiful 

when they’re decaying?

Their beautiful colors get rotten, 

their pleasant scent fading, 

yet their beautiful feature stay along 

before they turn into ashes...

I think those flowers 

somehow 

resemble the deceased musician...

Beautiful 

when they’re meeting their death...

Flowers that have their souls linger

on people hearts 

and slowly vanished 

by other people around those 

who love those deceased flowers...

Their romance contaminated 

by black spots, 

ruined their very reason to bloom...

Ironic fact that covered by temptation; 

degrading euphoria...